When Emotions Are Triggered

Having healthy boundaries is not about being selfish or self-serving, but about communicating clearly with others and being self aware. It is also about giving others the space and freedom to be themselves and to take responsibility for their own yard.

This can seem especially tricky when there are strong emotions involved. We may want to blame another person when we feel triggered or may feel guilty or uncomfortable when someone expresses anger, disappointment or frustration with us.

So how can healthy boundaries help me simplify situations when strong emotions are involved?

I am responsible for what I do with my emotions. They are mine. Someone else might have a very different reaction to the same situation because they do not have the same history, wounds, beliefs that I have.

Let me give some examples. You may be highly offended by a comment that your boss makes about a project you are working on. Another coworker, also working on the project, dismisses the comment without getting upset at all. Same experience, but two totally different emotional responses. Your reaction is in your yard, and you are responsible for managing it, communicating your offense or just deciding to take some time to explore where your reaction is coming from. You may be triggered due to past wounds, negative beliefs or a more sensitive personality. Still in your yard and yours to manage.

A friend has asked you to watch their kids for the evening and you already have plans. You hate to disappoint your friend and, when you respond that you are unable to help, she seems irritated and upset. Whose yard are these emotions in? That’s right, hers. You have not been deliberately unkind or mean in your response, so these emotions are your friend’s to manage. Maybe this friend had an unrealistic expectation or made an assumption about what you “should” be willing to do. Her yard.

Strong emotions can lead to division and heartache.

Your spouse wants to be intimate but you don't feel well. Strong emotions may surface in them, or in both of you. They are responsible for expressing, managing and owning their emotions, and you are responsible to do the same. Your child wants to go to a friend's house or to have sleep over and it is not good timing for the rest of the family. They get upset and make some mean remarks. Does this make you a bad parent? Of course not. (For a great book on teaching children how to manage their emotions, check out Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child by John Gottman.)

We daily bump up against different opinions and this can cause us to feel threatened or unheard. “I think the kids need to go to sleep early”, however, your spouse disagrees, “I think it would be OK for them to stay up late as a treat”. Can you calmly discuss this difference of opinion, or does the conversation escalate fueled by strong emotions? Do we move toward accusations, judgements and blaming, or seek to calm our own emotions and have a discussion about our differing opinions.

These are just a few examples of how we interact with others and sometimes our yards collide and emotions become strong and sometimes heated. We may be tempted to dump our emotions over their fence and blame them or to take ownership for their emotions, which we are really powerless to manage.

What should I do when someone is upset with me? First, remind yourself that this is in their yard, even if they say, “you make me feel …”. Gently put it back in their yard by saying something like, “I am sorry you feel that way.” If possible, and the emotions are not too strong for a calm conversation, and the person is not being manipulative (that is just trying to get their own way), then try the three step process described in my last article, “So, What’s In Your Yard?”

I can't manage another person's emotions; they are not in my "yard".

What can you do when the emotions are yours? Here is a three step process for exploring your own emotions and what may be contributing to your reaction. This process is especially helpful when it seems your emotions are stronger than would seem fitting for the situation. You may be “compounding” your emotions and “pulling up” some unresolved emotions from the past, maybe long past. Ask yourself:

1. What am I feeling? Identify the emotions you are feeling. Try to be as specific as possible. Are you feeling hurt, misunderstood, violated, disappointed or any of a dozen other emotions?

2. When do I remember feeling this way before? What is my earliest memory of feeling this way? Pause and allow your subconscious to share whatever it might be willing to share in this moment. You may have an early childhood memory surface, or another more recent memory come to mind. You may become aware of a past wound that needs some healing. Take some time to talk to Jesus about what your discovering. If the memory is especially traumatic or strong, you may need to talk with a trusted counselor or someone trained to help you work through this memory and emotion.

3. What do I believe, about myself, the world or others? There are often negative beliefs associated with strong unpleasant emotions, especially if they are linked to past wounds or traumas. Bob Schuchts, founder of the John Paul II Healing Center, calls this the Anatomy of a Wound. “I am always the problem.” “Other people will always betray you.” “The world is a dangerous place.” "People won't accept me if I don't do what they want?" The beliefs are as diverse as the people who believe them but there is often a theme of "not good enough", "not safe", and these are not messages from our loving heavenly Father. Identifying these beliefs can be a doorway into working toward healing and unlocking strongholds that cause me to feel stuck. What are God's truths?

I often say to clients, “Awareness is the first step in any change.” Just being aware of what I am feeling, what is going on inside me, can lead me to be more empathetic with myself, to share myself more vulnerably with others, and can lead to steps to bring about healthier boundaries or more satisfying relationships.

I’ve been sharing about practicing healthy boundaries because it seems to be a concept that has been forgotten or overlooked in our world today, and almost every client I share this with finds it to be a game changer. The new perspective seems to offer clarity and direction. Keeping these principles in mind enables us to respect others and their unique way of interacting with the world and elicits respect from others. Conversations are more open, less defensive and calmer, and relationships become more enjoyable and meaningful.

Do you think this way of interacting might have value for you? How could it improve some of your relationships?