Empowered Boundaries

Do you find that you can’t say no, that others seem to take advantage of you and that you don’t share your thoughts or feelings with others out of fear of their reaction?

As a counselor working daily to assist individuals and couples to improve relationships and create more effective communication patterns, healthy boundaries is a critical conversation that seems to turn a light on where only confusion and collision have been before. It seems that we live in a world where it is difficult for me to know where I end and you begin. “Speaking my mind”, “telling it like it is”, blaming others for my current unhappiness and living at the extremes of people pleasing or bullying seem all too common.

As I share with clients the following visual and unpack the concept of healthy boundaries with them, I see the light bulb go on, enthusiasm return and clarity about interactions with others become a daily blessing.

The conversation about healthy boundaries seems to turn a light bulb on where only confusion was before.

What are healthy boundaries? Let me start by creating a word picture. In the next several blog posts, I will unpack this idea and guide you through the many ways that relating “from your own yard” can bring you freedom and healthier interactions with others.

Creating Your Yard

In working with my clients, I like to use a word picture to explain boundaries. Imagine that you have bought a parcel of land. You clear the land, put in a road, and create plots on either side of the road. The people that you love, relate to regularly, work with, interact with, are related to, all have a yard (plot) in your neighborhood. Every individual is encouraged to decide what kind of house to build, what color to paint it, and what type of landscaping they will create. Will they have fruit trees, rose bushes, a bird bath, rock garden, a patio with chairs to enjoy a morning coffee? How will they decorate their yard to express themselves? Every yard will be unique because each occupant is unique. Your yard will express your personality, preferences, and desires.

Of course, having a yard comes with responsibilities, such as cutting the grass, trimming bushes, pulling weeds and taking garbage to the curb. In order to protect and identify the boundaries of your yard, it is wise to put up a fence. This will prevent the neighbor's pets from leaving unwanted droppings in your yard or digging in your flower beds; it will keep the neighborhood children from tramping through or playing in your yard without being invited. Neighbors who might show up unannounced or might seat themselves on your patio when you would really like some time alone would be discouraged from doing so,. If... you have a fence.

Protecting Your Yard

Your fence should be sturdy, tall enough to give some privacy but still allow you to greet your neighbors, share cookies over the fence and relate in a friendly way. Your neighbors may catch glimpses of your yard, but to really appreciate all you've created, they would need to enter through the gate. Of course, since it is your yard, you have control over when, who and for how long others will get to spend time in your yard.

You may have one of two reactions to the suggestion of a fence. The first reaction is that the suggestion of a fence "seems harsh, unfriendly or unwelcoming". Maybe the neighbor doesn't want a fence or will think you don't want to have a relationship if you put up a fence. You may believe that putting up a fence would communicate a desire to be inhospitable, would be unfriendly, selfish or make the neighbors angry. You may fear displeasing others and believe that protecting your own yard is somehow unacceptable. You may believe it would be unkind to limit access to your yard and fear being accused of being "controlling" or unavailable. Is this your reaction?

Another reaction to protecting your yard might be to put up a brick wall that has barbed wire on top with an iron gate for entry. Your yard, or fortress, will now prevent others from knowing anything about you unless you believe they are safe and can be permitted to have limited access to your yard. This type of "fence" may cause you to feel closed off from the neighbors, almost imprisoned, but it seems preferable to being vulnerable and possibly hurt by them. Your yard won't thrive due to lack of light and you may be lonely, but at least you feel safe. Can you relate to this?

Both the flimsy or non-existent fence or the brick wall are reactions typical of those who have experienced some type of trauma or hurt in their past. And lets face it, we live in a fallen world with imperfect people so who isn't wounded to some degree? Our fence, or lack of fence, may be a reaction to the past, but it does not have to be. We can learn to live life out of a wisely vulnerable place with healthy boundaries.

Where to Spend Your Energy

In this neighborhood, there may be neighbors who spend much of their time running around trying to help others care for their yards, whether they want the help or not, while their own yard is largely neglected. There are those that may hang over the fence of their neighbor regularly making suggestions for how things should be done. Another may be meticulously caring for their yard and not making any effort to interact with their neighbors, wanting everything to appear perfect, wanting to impress or be the best in the neighborhood. And then there is the person who stands in the middle of their yard feeling perplexed, confused or even paralyzed because they have never given much thought to their own desires, gifts, talents and preferences; they have never allowed themselves, or been encouraged, to dream or discover who God created them to be.

Get the picture? Now that you have this image in mind, the next blog posts will explain how to apply this visual to your daily relationships, help you make better decisions and give yourself permission to limit toxic influences and embrace those relationships that are life giving.

Up next, What's In Your Yard?