So, What’s In Your Yard?

In a previous post, Empowered Boundaries, I shared a metaphor of a yard surrounded by a sturdy fence and filled with all that makes you unique and a one of a kind son or daughter of God.

This metaphor is not really talking about your physical yard or location, but about your personal interior life, one that is unique, complex and ever changing. Your "yard" is the space from which you interact with others and it is your responsibility to manage and protect this interior life. You relate to others from your "yard" and you share what is in your yard with those who have earned your trust and who respect your vulnerability. Your yard contains joys, traumas, your unique "Parts" (see my articles on Parts Work. Fascinating!) and all that makes you who you are.

As I see it, there are at least thirteen things that are in each of our yards that we are responsible to care for, share with others at appropriate times, and manage for optimal health and peace. These include:

- My thoughts

- my emotions

Inside each of us is a complex world.

- my opinions

- my assumptions

- my expectations

- my values

- my beliefs

- my preferences

- my perspective

- my needs

- my desires

- my choices

- the consequences of my choices

All of these are unique to me because there is no one in the world exactly like me with the same family of origin, life experiences, education, friends, faith and physical characteristics. I may have different ideas, opinions, desires then my spouse, roommate, siblings or boss.

I may be imaginative and creative in my thoughts and decisions; my spouse may be more logical, concrete and matter of fact. Personally, I am be a 90% feeler on the Myers Briggs Personality Inventory and my husband is a 100% thinker on that same test. Does this cause some misunderstandings and conflict in how we choose to make decisions or react to situations? It certainly has. I react more emotionally to a conflict with one of our children, while he responds with a more "sensible" view of what should be done. I feel deeply the emotions of others, even in a movie, and he will remain more separate and seem less empathetic.

You may assume your boss is upset because he comes into the office, the door slams behind him and he does not say "good morning" as he passes your desk. You remember you did not complete the report he had requested the previous day and assume he is angry at you, so you stew all morning, work frantically on the report and head into his office apologizing profusely. Could you have avoided this stress by simply asking, after giving your boss a few moments to settle in (because timing is everything), "you seem upset about something, is everything OK?" You might have learned that he just got a speeding ticket or had a fight with his wife, and saved yourself some anxiety and panic. Putting your assumption aside, you can now respond with compassion and concern.

I may prefer camping and hiking in nature, game night with friends, asian food and line dancing, while my spouse may prefer visiting museums, reading quietly, spicy Cajan meals and listening to classical music. Is one person right and the other wrong? Of course not. Should I assume my spouse should know what I prefer or desire? No. I should be willing to share what's in my own yard and ask questions about what might be in his yard.

Opposites attract, right? Now what?

One of your children forgets he has a project due tomorrow and did not start it. Now she wants significant help from you. Your spouse does too much partying over the weekend and wants you to call his boss to say he is sick. Your sister did not arrange for a babysitter, again, and now is asking you, at the last minute, to watch her children. What do you do? Do you bear the consequences of their choices or do you let them, rightfully, experience the consequences of how they exercised their own free will? You may believe you would be uncaring, unkind or even selfish, but are you really?

I may value saving money and feel more secure when having emergency funds. My spouse might value going on vacation and buying nice gifts for family members when there is a birthday. Can these desires be negotiated without a power struggle?

As you head to a vacation at the beach, you are anticipating sitting in a beach chair, catching rays, drinking some exotic concoction and reading the book you've had on your shelf for six months. Unbeknownst to you, your spouse is eager to go fishing, catch a show, take the kids to an amusement park, do some kayaking and hiking, all as a family. Can you see it coming? If you don't discuss your expectations, there is heartache, misunderstanding and possibly a blow up around the corner.

I hear all the time, "If I have to tell him/her what I need, then it won't mean as much when it happens!" Well, guess what? If you don't communicate what you need, desire, prefer, then you can almost guarantee that it is not going to happen, not the way you wish it would. No one I know is a mind reader, especially early in a relationship. As my spouse, family member or friend gets to know me, they may be able to anticipate my needs or desires, but that is because I have been vulnerable with them and shared what's in my yard. Communicating my needs, desires, preferences, whatever is in my yard, is usually the kind and helpful thing to do.

Do you allow others to see what's inside you, what is in your yard?

Healthy boundaries is also about respecting the "yards" of others, appreciating their uniqueness and what makes them tick. I recommend to my clients that they should do three things when communicating with others and learning about another person's "yard":

1. Be curious: Have a desire to get to know what the other thinks, feels, believes, prefers, desires...

2. Ask meaningful questions: "So are you saying...?", "Can you tell me more...?" "Why is that so important for you?" "How did you feel about that?" These are open ended questions that demonstrate that I care and want to understand.

3. Really listen: Don't prepare your rebuttal. Lean into understanding and connection. I like to imagine putting up a hammock and putting the other person's cares, concerns into the hammock and gently rocking it. Make space for them to share and feel safe.

You may be amazed at how this type of active listening, without judgement, interruption or criticism, can open up another and bring about self exploration and clarity for them, and appreciation and connection with you. After you have listened, you might ask, "May I share my perspective?" and, since you took the time to listen to them, they just might be more open to hear what you have to share.

Do you think this discussion of what's in your yard has been helpful to you? In what way do you think it might help you in the way you relate to others?