My "I'm a Disappointment" Wound

This morning I chose to sleep in, after a bit of a tough night, and go to a later Mass instead of going with Michael. Today is his 30th anniversary of coming into the Catholic Church, and I knew this day was important to him. Last night when I mentioned going with him instead of sleeping in, as I often due on a Friday, he did not seem, to me, to care and shrugged his shoulders. That was definitely a “misread” on my part.

When Michael returned home from the 6:45 am Mass this morning, he was clearly disappointed that I had not gotten up to go with him. I knew this when he asked how I was feeling and if I was sick. My antenna went up and I inquired if he was disappointed, to which he responded emphatically, “yes, this is the most important day of the year for me”. He was not unkind or angry, just clear.

That’s when my “I AM a disappointment” wound jumped into full swing. This wound goes back to my early years, and has been speaking into my life and shaking a finger at me for over 60 years. While Michael and I talked it through calmly, and reached a clearer understanding, I still found myself crying as I got into the car to go alone to the next Mass.

“How could I have been so selfish, so stupid?” “Why didn’t I know he would want to share this moment?” “I’ve done it again and let those I love down.” The weight of these accusations felt crushing.

Thankfully, learning about parts work and my wounded exile (in this case my child part) helped me to step back and engage my interior self, my Imago Dei, and to try to respond to myself with compassion and truth.

Michael may be disappointed, and I may have been wrong in my assumption about his desire, and maybe even a bit insensitive or selfish, but this action does not define me as a person.

Before and after Mass, I took time to ask Jesus, and Mary on this feast of the Assumption, to care for my inner child. I experienced the gentleness and compassion of the Lord, and believe He continued the dispelling of this negative belief and dismantling of this trigger. Seeing myself from God’s perspective allows me to be kinder to myself, less reactive and defensive, and more loving to others. I am thankful for His work in my life.

What wound in you continue to be triggered? Can you allow God to minister to you there?

I’ll share more about parts work, a fascinating topic, in future posts.

God bless you.

Susie